Art & Social Anxiety
"The best way out of anxiety is often to expose yourself to the things you are afraid of. "
"The World when Living with Social Anxiety" by Sinthia Cousineau
A Personal Story
"Living with Social Anxiety"
By: Sinthia Cousineau
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I have suffered from social anxiety for over 10 years now. It is a constant battle I continue to face in my daily life. In my case it resulted from negative life experiences related to the bullying I endured in my younger days. Social anxiety is a common form of anxiety in which a person fears other people, humiliation and negative judgement. The most common symptoms are social isolation and panic attacks. It is otherwise known as "social phobia" and can make daily social life a real struggle.
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I was born premature, and was always physically smaller and weaker than others, for I happen to have a smaller bone structure. Due to this I was often picked on as a child because I was considered "skinny" and "weak". While growing up other kids used to call me all kinds of cruel names because of my weight. As I aged into my teenage years verbal aggression began to gravitate into psychological and physical abuse. People would often want to test out my strength to prove to me that being skinny was a negative thing. Today, not a single day goes by in which someone would not tell me that I have to change, that I need to put on more weight, that I am too skinny.
Although I have accepted the way God made me, society has not which can result in many dangerous situations for me. For example, when I was 14 years old, I was pushed down an entire flight of stairs and ended up cracking my rib simply because some of the older boys wanted to test out my strength to prove that skinny is weak, and I was outnumbered 4 to 1. I still remember landing on some kind of metal rod that hit my rib, the pain so terrible I literally saw stars. Unable to move or speak, I had to helplessly lay on the floor for 10 minutes whilst I recovered, watching my attackers laugh as they walked away. I still carry the bruise with me today. I often returned home from school crying with bruises or emotional injuries. As I got older and taller my injuries became more psychological.
Although I have accepted the way God made me, society has not which can result in many dangerous situations for me. For example, when I was 14 years old, I was pushed down an entire flight of stairs and ended up cracking my rib simply because some of the older boys wanted to test out my strength to prove that skinny is weak, and I was outnumbered 4 to 1. I still remember landing on some kind of metal rod that hit my rib, the pain so terrible I literally saw stars. Unable to move or speak, I had to helplessly lay on the floor for 10 minutes whilst I recovered, watching my attackers laugh as they walked away. I still carry the bruise with me today. I often returned home from school crying with bruises or emotional injuries. As I got older and taller my injuries became more psychological.
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"I was defined by my appearance......it became the label that would hide my identity"
-Sinthia Cousineau |
I had to learn to avoid people to avoid fights, I had to learn to hide to avoid insults. Later I attended an all-girls high school hoping I could finally feel safe, however I was severely psychologically bullied by girls who felt threatened by my size. We all know how teenage girls can be when they have low self-esteem! Being a skinny girl in a school at a time when other girls were into dieting, and really caring about physically appearance is never a good thing. I remember one incident in which I wanted to participate in a race, and I had just began the race when I overheard one of my classmates who was on the same team, mutter "She will never make it, she is too weak!" My own team, rather than support me cheered against me. Another time I was merely trying to get a book in the library when one girl felt the need to randomly punch me in the stomach, later stating that she did so simply because I was skinny, stating that she is stronger.
Every time I ate in the cafeteria I had to prove myself, by overeating or eating junk food, to avoid the negative comments about being skinny. I always had eyes on me to judge how much I'd eat. If I did not overeat or if I ate healthy I often got called anorexic. I used to make myself so nauseated because I would over-eat. I have an extremely fast metabolism therefore was unable to gain weight. I got called "twig", "anorexic ", "skeleton" by people who were unaware that I actually just had small bones. I used to wear big hoodie sweaters all the time to hide that I was skinny, even when it was the hottest summer day. It was better to suffer the heat & risk passing out than it was to endure the social hostility. I was shy, but I still tried to make efforts to socialize with the girls in my school. Often they shunned me, ignored me and never treated me like I mattered......I was alone.....I felt like a ghost. for years. In bullying terms this is known as isolational bullying and girls are experts at that. They destroyed my reputation and ignored me with the sole purpose of trying to make me feel insignificant. I passed most of my youth as a shadow, for I existed yet was overlooked and ignored. I realized that in the eyes of the world I was just "tall and skinny" and it became the identity that would label me.
Every time I ate in the cafeteria I had to prove myself, by overeating or eating junk food, to avoid the negative comments about being skinny. I always had eyes on me to judge how much I'd eat. If I did not overeat or if I ate healthy I often got called anorexic. I used to make myself so nauseated because I would over-eat. I have an extremely fast metabolism therefore was unable to gain weight. I got called "twig", "anorexic ", "skeleton" by people who were unaware that I actually just had small bones. I used to wear big hoodie sweaters all the time to hide that I was skinny, even when it was the hottest summer day. It was better to suffer the heat & risk passing out than it was to endure the social hostility. I was shy, but I still tried to make efforts to socialize with the girls in my school. Often they shunned me, ignored me and never treated me like I mattered......I was alone.....I felt like a ghost. for years. In bullying terms this is known as isolational bullying and girls are experts at that. They destroyed my reputation and ignored me with the sole purpose of trying to make me feel insignificant. I passed most of my youth as a shadow, for I existed yet was overlooked and ignored. I realized that in the eyes of the world I was just "tall and skinny" and it became the identity that would label me.
"Self-Portrait holding an umbrella to shield myself from the pain of social anxiety"
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"A portrait of myself as viewed with teary eyes"
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With time, the psychological abuse got so bad that even some of my teachers began to show hostility. For example, I used to enjoy playing badminton and was rather good at it, I applied for the team two years in a row. I went to the try-outs and performed well. The teacher refused to admit me on the team both times because of my weight, and instead took the students who did not even bother going to the try-outs. Another time I participated in the England Exchange, and prior to the trip one teacher felt the need to tell me "You better not slow down the group!" ....Ironically I was the fastest walker in the entire group. Another teacher once called my home simply to discuss the fact that I was skinny. When I wanted to participate in the school play the only role that was offered to me was that of the corpse! All I wanted in those days was a normal student life, but I was unfairly treated due to my size. I even received several hate messages from strangers on Facebook that would tell me to kill myself because I was so skinny! Such threats I would often and still receive on the streets. Women would walk up to me and directly insult my weight. I had a few cases when women even tried to punch me, thankfully by this time I was rather good at defending myself.
Even today, people constantly feel the need to point out I am skinny, constantly telling me to change to fit societies ridiculous norms of beauty. I worked in a church where even a nun would often insult my weight, telling me I look like crap because I am thin..... a NUN! She would tell me it is wrong to be skinny, that I look ugly, tired, and unattractive in any aspect she could think of. She was so threatened by my appearance that each time she saw me she tried to bring down my self-esteem. Skinny-shaming is real yet is often overlooked in todays society. I find it ironic in a sense for I am a girl who never dieted in my life, and who never cared about trying to loose weight and does not judge other's by their size. I place more value on trying to be a good person and contribute to society, whilst society only seems to value what I look like.
Even today, people constantly feel the need to point out I am skinny, constantly telling me to change to fit societies ridiculous norms of beauty. I worked in a church where even a nun would often insult my weight, telling me I look like crap because I am thin..... a NUN! She would tell me it is wrong to be skinny, that I look ugly, tired, and unattractive in any aspect she could think of. She was so threatened by my appearance that each time she saw me she tried to bring down my self-esteem. Skinny-shaming is real yet is often overlooked in todays society. I find it ironic in a sense for I am a girl who never dieted in my life, and who never cared about trying to loose weight and does not judge other's by their size. I place more value on trying to be a good person and contribute to society, whilst society only seems to value what I look like.
""Why is it considered wrong to tell someone they are too fat and need to eat less, but ok to tell someone they are too skinny and need to eat more?""
-Sinthia Cousineau
-Sinthia Cousineau
The worst was the feeling of total loneliness. I remember feeling nervous to go to school, because I never felt safe or welcomed.... never belonging. Nobody I could truly trust, not even the teachers whom were supposed to be the people I was meant to look up too. I remember barely talking, and often sitting alone in my corner. I had nobody, and could not bring myself to trust the few friends I had. I felt like the world did not see me for who I was, but that all they saw was this tall skinny girl. There are no words I can use to describe the loneliness I've endured for over a decade. Due to the negative experiences I began to develop trust issues, I could not bring myself to trust others and when I did I would often get disappointed and it was too much to bare. Having to accept that I was alone, I would maintain my sanity by drawing and would to draw to occupy my mind, to spare myself from the darkness surrounding me. However as the cruelty of others increased my social anxiety began to take a toll on me for the worst.
When I had enough courage to try the world of dating, which happens to be one of the greatest fears for someone with social anxiety. I would often have to deal with men who would always comment on my weight with comments like "Are you afraid of gaining weight?" , "Are you really going to eat that?", and comments about my body size. Statements like "real women have curves" would greatly annoy me. To be seen for my body, not the person I was, was socially traumatic. I even had cases of men who thought the best idea of flirting with me was to say "you got a pointy elf nose!" or "I like your body", and " I like you because you have long legs" (They cared little about my personality, interests, who I was). You can imagine how I felt! They would watch me intensely as I ate, commented on my outfits, and made weird remarks about my looks, all which enhanced my fears of judgment. For a girl with social anxiety it was rather traumatic to be so objectified. A person with social anxiety fears negative comments, and judgment......always being watched and insulted on physical appearance is not what a girl wants to deal with, with or without social anxiety. Such disrespect made it extremely difficult to trust people again......I isolated myself socially to not have to endure such objectification and disrespect again. I wanted to be surrounded by people who valued me for the person I was......but became disconnected from the social world.
When I had enough courage to try the world of dating, which happens to be one of the greatest fears for someone with social anxiety. I would often have to deal with men who would always comment on my weight with comments like "Are you afraid of gaining weight?" , "Are you really going to eat that?", and comments about my body size. Statements like "real women have curves" would greatly annoy me. To be seen for my body, not the person I was, was socially traumatic. I even had cases of men who thought the best idea of flirting with me was to say "you got a pointy elf nose!" or "I like your body", and " I like you because you have long legs" (They cared little about my personality, interests, who I was). You can imagine how I felt! They would watch me intensely as I ate, commented on my outfits, and made weird remarks about my looks, all which enhanced my fears of judgment. For a girl with social anxiety it was rather traumatic to be so objectified. A person with social anxiety fears negative comments, and judgment......always being watched and insulted on physical appearance is not what a girl wants to deal with, with or without social anxiety. Such disrespect made it extremely difficult to trust people again......I isolated myself socially to not have to endure such objectification and disrespect again. I wanted to be surrounded by people who valued me for the person I was......but became disconnected from the social world.
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I would often draw my pain, and the common elements that showed up in my drawings were roses, tears of blood, and eyes. Like most young girls I dreamt of romance and true love. However, I'm what you would call a hopeless romantic, on my quest to find true love I have encountered mostly heartbreaks. People have told me I am cursed in love, but the reality is that most people cannot look past appearances.
I drew many crying roses, which to me symbolizes the pain I endured from being so harshly judged on physical appearance. Each time I liked a guy who did not notice me because I was not curvy enough, or each time I had my heart broken by a guy who only dated me because he liked my skinny body, rather than me as a person I would draw a crying rose. I eventually could not take it anymore, and decided that I was better off alone.....so I isolated myself to avoid more emotional damage. My social anxiety and fears of reliving past trauma made it difficult to date again....to trust again. I wanted fewer friends, I socialized less, and spent most of my time alone or with family.
The pain and loneliness I felt from my social isolation was beyond imagining, so I drew to feel less alone. I am no stranger to heartbreak, betrayal and disappointment, and rather then let the pain defeat me I used it to create something beautiful. Heartbreak actually inspired most of my artworks. I use my emotional pain as a major source of inspiration in most of my works. I like to focus on the themes of life and death, nature because it brings life to my heart, and death which represents the suffering. This is a major theme for my life because I always struggled to live between the two worlds. The rose symbolizes love and romance, and these roses have eyes which represent the judgment and social anxiety. The roses are red, and often would cry out tears of blood, which symbolizes the highest degree of pain. As my pain grew the roses got more beautiful, for these roses represented the suffering in my heart. I turned my suffering into something beautiful. and lively as a way of consoling myself.
I drew many crying roses, which to me symbolizes the pain I endured from being so harshly judged on physical appearance. Each time I liked a guy who did not notice me because I was not curvy enough, or each time I had my heart broken by a guy who only dated me because he liked my skinny body, rather than me as a person I would draw a crying rose. I eventually could not take it anymore, and decided that I was better off alone.....so I isolated myself to avoid more emotional damage. My social anxiety and fears of reliving past trauma made it difficult to date again....to trust again. I wanted fewer friends, I socialized less, and spent most of my time alone or with family.
The pain and loneliness I felt from my social isolation was beyond imagining, so I drew to feel less alone. I am no stranger to heartbreak, betrayal and disappointment, and rather then let the pain defeat me I used it to create something beautiful. Heartbreak actually inspired most of my artworks. I use my emotional pain as a major source of inspiration in most of my works. I like to focus on the themes of life and death, nature because it brings life to my heart, and death which represents the suffering. This is a major theme for my life because I always struggled to live between the two worlds. The rose symbolizes love and romance, and these roses have eyes which represent the judgment and social anxiety. The roses are red, and often would cry out tears of blood, which symbolizes the highest degree of pain. As my pain grew the roses got more beautiful, for these roses represented the suffering in my heart. I turned my suffering into something beautiful. and lively as a way of consoling myself.
""I got very good isolating myself from the world until one day the only thing I wanted to isolate was fear itself""
-Sinthia Cousineau |
After several years of enduring verbal, physical and psychological abuse, as well as constant objectification. I developed severe social anxiety issues. I would fear crowds, and when in a crowd I was terrified of negative judgment. I spent my early college years hiding from people, and avoided all social situations. When in a social situation I would feel my heart racing, pounding out of my chest, I would sweat and start shaking, and I was very alert to all that was going on around me. I always felt like all eyes were on me, judging. The worst is that each time I heard a group of people laughing, I always felt that the laugher was directed at me. I was consumed by a fear of negative judgment, and absolutely wanted to avoid being the center of attention. I would prefer eating my meals alone, for I had too much anxiety when eating in front of others. Giving speeches in front of a classroom was something that would easily launch a panic attack, which was frequent to me in those days. When talking to people I would overthink their judgment and my voice would become shaky. I would feel extreme anxiety when trying to order food in a cafeteria, when in an unfamiliar place with strangers, and I would always try to stick with places I was familiar with, for I feared breaking social norms. Going out into the social world was like going to battle!
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Then I realized that my life was entirely consumed by social anxiety. I wanted to change that.....to free myself of the fear that once consumed every aspect of my life. I deserved a chance of a normal life and I therefore began controlling the thoughts in my own mind by applying cognitive-behavioral therapy methods I learnt as a psychology student, replacing the irrational fear with realistic thoughts. I used exposure therapy to place myself in the situations I was terrified of. I took a job as a tour guide to force myself to do the one thing I was most terrified of, speak in a crowd and be the center of attention. I began to socialize more and trust people again. I try to educate people about bullying and skinny-shaming. But the one thing that truly helped me was art. I would always resort to drawing when I felt my anxiety was getting out of control. Drawing would calm the irrational thoughts in my mind. I would create artworks that reflected the pain, anxiety and fear I felt. This helped me express myself and to show others what it feels like to live in a constant fear.
""Once I conquered the irrational thoughts of my own mind, I was set free.""
-Sinthia Cousineau
-Sinthia Cousineau
It has been a few years since I have freed myself from the fears that once consumed my life. Although I still fight to control the irrational fear I owe my gratitude to art for it allowed me to let go of my past, to move on with a more positive future. In many ways art saved me......it gave me life. Artistic expression has certainly played a vital role in my life. Social anxiety never truly leaves a person, but with art I am no longer trapped in the prison of fear.
Due to my own personal experience, I now wish to help other people suffering from anxiety and bullying to overcome their fears though expressing themselves artistically. I decided to become a teacher so I could be a better teacher than the ones who taught me. I want to help the children who are victims of bullying not contribute to their pain. This was when I first realized that the field of art education would be perfect for me, until I discovered art therapy another field in which I could apply art to help others who have suffered like I have.
I realize that some of the stuff I wrote is highly personal, but I feel the need to share it so that those suffering from similar situations know that they are not alone. It is important to share, for we are all human and we all suffer in our own way. I do not wish to hide my past, for the hardships I endured made me the person I am today.
Yet, not a single day goes by in my life where someone would not tell me I have to change because I am too thin. Nonetheless, I still try to treat everyone around me with kindness for I know far too well what it is like to live in a world without kindness.
Due to my own personal experience, I now wish to help other people suffering from anxiety and bullying to overcome their fears though expressing themselves artistically. I decided to become a teacher so I could be a better teacher than the ones who taught me. I want to help the children who are victims of bullying not contribute to their pain. This was when I first realized that the field of art education would be perfect for me, until I discovered art therapy another field in which I could apply art to help others who have suffered like I have.
I realize that some of the stuff I wrote is highly personal, but I feel the need to share it so that those suffering from similar situations know that they are not alone. It is important to share, for we are all human and we all suffer in our own way. I do not wish to hide my past, for the hardships I endured made me the person I am today.
Yet, not a single day goes by in my life where someone would not tell me I have to change because I am too thin. Nonetheless, I still try to treat everyone around me with kindness for I know far too well what it is like to live in a world without kindness.
""Walk away from your fears and anxieties & you will be truly free""
-Sinthia Cousineau
-Sinthia Cousineau
""Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.""
~Dr. Seuss
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""Ceramic Eyes"" by Sinthia Cousineau
"Social Anxiety Flower" by Sinthia Cousineau
-July 2nd, 2016
-July 2nd, 2016
My Presentation on Social Anxiety Disorder:
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